My father has a gentle and kind heart. Probably one of the softest spoken and loving humans that I know. He could not kill a dead fly. He is a lover, not a fighter. So that is why it surprised me forty years ago when he wanted me to punch someone in the nose.
Many of you know that I have an adopted sister. My parents adopted Michele Joy from Seoul, Korea when she was just eight months old. Being Michele Joy’s big brother was and is one of the greatest honors in my life.
When I was in middle school four decades ago, there was a neighborhood bully named Pete Dempsey. Pete was a year older than me. He would ride his bike around the neighborhood and say mean things to all the other kids. One day young Michele Joy came into the house crying because Pete Dempsey made fun of her. She didn’t understand why Pete Dempsey put his hands to the side of his eyes to make them slanted. And she didn’t understand why he kept calling her a “chink”. But she did understand how much it hurt.
The taunting and teasing continued and eventually, my little sister didn’t want to go outside to play in the yard for fear of Pete’s ridicule.
Soon after my father, a seasoned middle school teacher, asked me to come into the garage to speak with him. He told me that in life sometimes we need to protect the ones we love. And though he was against fighting and violence, sometimes the only way to stop a bully is to punch them in the face.
That night we went to Caldor (Suffern, New York’s version of Walmart) to buy some boxing gloves. And for the next couple weeks, my father trained me in the basement on how to punch a bully in the nose.
I am fifty-four years old. I’ve only been in one fist fight my entire life. My first and last fist fight was with the bully Pete Dempsey.
One morning at the bus stop, I walked up to Pete Dempsey and asked him to stop calling my little sister a “chink” and making “slanted eyes” with his hands. Then he said something that all bullies say, “What are YOU going to do about it?”
Well, before Pete Dempsey could finish his sentence, I planted my right foot, cocked back my right arm, and swung as hard as my 13-year-old body could, hitting Pete Dempsey square in the nose. Knocked the kid out. That was the last time Pete Dempsey ever teased my sister again. And for the next week, the kids at school called Pete Dempsey “racoon eyes”, because of the two black eyes my right hook gave him.
I have a 15-year-old son. Other than in hockey games, Tate has never gotten in a fist fight. And I probably would not encourage him to do so, even if a bully was teasing his big sister. I’d like to think that we live in different and more civilized times. But if Tate punched a bully in the face at school to protect a weaker person, I would publicly discipline him and then privately thank him and tell my son that he was my hero!
Heart-Led Leaders are lovers, not fighters. They are kind, gentle, thoughtful, and certainly not violent or aggressive. But sometimes heart-led leaders need to punch bullies in the face. Not literally, but figuratively speaking.
Almost all organizations have a bully in them. They may not go around the office calling people bad names like Pete Dempsey. But they find a way to use their words and positional authority to kill culture. They tear down ideas. They interrupt when others are speaking. They gossip. They cause drama. They take pride in finding the worst in others. They suck positive energy out of a room.
A leader’s most important job is to be the CCP of their organizations – Chief Culture Protecters. Culture is everything. If there is an employee, manager, client, or customer that threatens a loving and healthy culture, it is time for heart-led leaders to plant their right foot, swing their arms and point their fingers in the direction of the front door!
Last week, I got a text message from a friend who is the new COO of a very successful east coast company. “Tommy, two months in on the job and the organization is the exact dumpster fire I expected. So much dysfunction and employee drama. It is breaking my heart. I’ve never seen or experienced so much hate and mistrust at every level.”
I texted my friend Robert back and told him that it is time for him to not only be the Chief Operating Officer, but more importantly, be the Chief Culture Protector.
Years later, Pete Dempsey and I became friends. It turns out, Pete was just struggling with self-confidence and picked on weaker people to make himself feel better. Pete Dempsey grew up to be a good guy. And my sister Michele Joy turned out to be an amazing mother of three beautiful boys. Her and I are like peas and carrots – we go together.
I’ve worked in toxic cultures. I’ve coached organizations rampant with bullies and unhealthy cultures. And I’ve even had, admittingly so, self-serving, and damaging people in my current organization. I’ve had to play CCO many times in my career and will continue to do so. But it beats going to Walmart and buying boxing gloves. And it surely beats, punching a bully in the face, and giving them racoon eyes😊